Death of a Woolies Kid
As I left utterly infuriated by every thing at every turn throughout Woolworths yet again, I had to ask myself: What the hell has happened to this place?!
For anyone out there wanting to fix Woolwoths, these are the things that tipped me over the edge and caused me to defect:
The deli
As if there was not enough unnecessary packaging going on (like capsicums and lettuce wrapped in plastic for godsake) the deli now looks like a plastic wrapping wasteland. Items like salami and the like are now pre-packaged in plastic trays and plastic wrapped, all in pre-determined quantities. So, why bother with the charade? Fuck the whole deli off completely and put some wall fridges in there with the word “DELI” printed above it. I’m sure you could hassle the staff working behind the deli counter for some service, but they are usually way up the back chatting or cleaning equipment. It feels like you shouldn’t bother them either, because those pre-packaged portions in the customer facing deli-style chest fridges basically say “take one and fuck off please”. There is a local butcher right out the front of the supermarket and instead of just most people going there, they now all do.
The prices
A shop at Woolworths now seems like the most expensive choice out of all your options. This wasn’t always the case, otherwise I would have left much earlier. I understand prices go up over time with the increasing operational costs and inflation, but the jumps seen at Woolworths seem to be radical and unrelenting. I stopped buying certain items because they had seemed to push past the limit of what was a reasonable price.
One small example is my beloved 1L Yumi’s Hummus bucket. If memory serves me correctly, this item started out at around $6.50 a few years ago. That represented great value as you get 5 times as much hummus for around only double the price of a regular party-dip style container. Then the price went up to around $7.30, still reasonable. Then it seemed to go up about 50c every time I went to get a new one. Once it went past $9.00, I stopped buying it. Even without a point of reference it seemed too expensive, so imagine my shock when I found it in Coles for less than the price of the first price rise from Woolworths all those years ago!
- Woolworths $9.39
- Coles $7.05
- Aldi (comparable, but not quite as good) $5.99
The quality
After the last major shop we did at Woolworths, I got home and found that the roll on deodorant I’d purchased was broken. The ball mechanism was defective and the whole inside was covered in claggy shite that should have been inside the bottle. I think it may have internally exploded under heat while it was stored/transported. I later ate a Fuji apple from the same shop and found that it was all brown and disgusting around the core. This can apparently happen when they are picked out of season or stored improperly. There seems to be a disappointment or two like this in every mid-to-large size shop nowadays, which once again, wasn’t always the case.
The checkouts
Fuck. Me.
This is perhaps the most painful part of the shopping experience. When I get to the checkouts with a mid-sized shop I’ve got to make the decision between the dreaded self checkouts or the solitary manned checkout. I would prefer the manned checkout but it always at least two people deep with sizable shops to be processed. I always seem to be at this crossroad when a particular member of staff, who will remain unnamed and painfully slow, is serving. So I say “fuck it” and brace for the torture that is the self service checkout.
We start by putting our own bag into the bagging area. Immediately the checkout asks: “Are you using your own bag?”. I know if I say “Yes” it will change to “Assistance Requested” and then you have to do the “pity me” look over and hope to god the attendant is paying attention. Choose to lie and say “No” to try and avoid this shitshow and you will get caught in an endless loop. It asks to remove the last item from the bagging area (the bag), you do, then try to replace the bag and get the first question again. It begs the question, if you do say “Yes” why doesn’t it take whatever is on there (it could be a bloody wooden milk create for all we care) and use that as the new zero weight, no assistance required.
The pain continues with trying to find where fruits and vegetables are listed (if you’re looking for a laugh, try to find the loose leaf spinach leaves). Then assistance gets requested on every item that has close to zero weight like chillis, a small packet of toothpicks etc. But the true pain is all throughout if you live in a socioeconomically disadvantaged neighborhood. As its inhabitants are not to be trusted, the scan speed is horrendously slow as a result of the checkout waiting for the expected weight of each item to hit the bag before allowing the next scan.
When we defected to Coles we found that they had scrapped all of the weighting restrictions to improve customer convenience. It runs like an absolute dream. Last time we went we even managed to get a manned checkout with ease. Sure she was dead inside and packed the bag with the enthusiasm of an anemic sloth – but it got the job done. The utter joy we bounced back as she lifelessly packed the bags must have been weirdly confronting.
Here’s an idea for you Woolworths: have one “Ultra” lane in which your items are zipped through and you have to quickly pack them yourself (ALDI style). I’ve got the balls if you’ve got the speed. I’m capable and would like to get out of there as quickly as possible!
The result
Our Woolworths shopping is now relegated to a few exclusive items like Orange Power Multi-Purpose Cleaner and Woolworths Diet Lemonade when we need them. Even when we journey in for these items I shudder at the thought of what awaits. Years of being a Safeway/Woolworths kid have now come to an untimely end – I now do most of my basic shop at ALDI and the rest at Coles.